I am back. Might not be for long but I needed somewhere to vent. My life has changed so much in the past year and over the next few weeks, there will be so many more changes coming, please send some prayers and sanity my way for what is about to come.
Ever been caught in the eye of a hurricane? Well me neither, but if how I’m feeling right now is anything like it, then I don’t wish this on anyone.
About 3 months ago Daniel was diagnosed with Level 1 Autism. We’ve started ABA services about 4 weeks ago at about 11.5 hours a week and it is crazy to see how much he has progressed.
About a month ago, my husband and I decided we are going to get divorced. It has been a long time coming, but we finally made the decision that this is what is best for us right now. He also moved out right after we made our decision to his old family home (mortgage free). He has a steady job and is continuing to pay for our home while Daniel and I can figure out where to go. I am a Realtor but the past year hasn’t been the best since I am still fairly new to the scene. I didn’t realize how in debt we were and we need to sell our house immediately before our credit is completely ruined. I will be selling our house as soon as I can de-clutter and get things packed up and good enough for pictures. I am also looking for a full-time job so I can support Daniel and myself. I am also looking for an apartment that will work with me to get me in before I sell my house.
I am taking care of my child on my own, he comes by to help out if I have somewhere to be for work etc. I am going thru all my sons services for early intervention and ABA by myself. I am preparing “our” house to sell by myself, he has literally left me with everything in this somewhat big 3 bedroom house. I am searching for a job. I am searching for a place for us to live. I will most likely have to give my dog to my hubs because most apartments do not allow them.
My immediate family and closest friends know but I haven’t really opened it up to the public, like I am today on here. It’s hard. We’re going to do this as civil as possible in the best interest of our baby boy. He needs great co-parents and that is what I aim to be. I also aim to be the best advocate for him throughout his journey with Autism. Level 1 may be a mild case, but its still enough to need services and assistance to get him where he needs to be in life.
Friends are getting engaged, friends are celebrating their anniversaries, friends are having babies… friends are asking if I’m working on baby #2. Do you know what that does to me on the inside? It kills me. It slowly kills me. I was always one to ask people this plain, yet what I thought was a simple question. And now that I’m in the position I’m in, I will not ask someone that question ever again. If someone is ready to have another baby, they will tell you. You have no idea what may be happening in their life. I want another baby. Shit, I want two more babies. I want my baby boy to have a sister or brother or both. I wanted him to have siblings close in age. I wanted him to be best friends with his sibling, like I am with my oldest sister. I never wanted to be a family of divorce. I never wanted to live an unhappy marriage. Our anniversary is Halloween, what fun that will be. 😦
I look forward to the day I can truly smile again. I want my baby boy to know what true happiness is and I hope he never feels or sees me sad. I am doing my best to be the strongest momma I can be during this hardest time in my life.
God grant me the serenity.